Earlier today, I found something I had written almost two years, while I was in a 4 month state-run rehab. It reads:
I can’t admit my own weakness or frailty to myself, and especially not to someone else. I couldn’t let myself appear that weak and vulnerable. I could cry over what my sons are going through, or what I did to other people – but never because how I actually felt. I couldn’t admit that sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I could hold someone else – but I could never admit that I wanted needed that.
I would rather lie about how I feel, drink, and try not to get caught – then admit that I was thinking about drinking to another person.
I had almost forgotten that I had written that until I found it, and obviously I’ve well forgotten any lessons I may have learned while writing that. I had a relapse in the middle of last week, and told on myself in a Facebook status update on Saturday. I spent the weekend sobering up, and I’m more or less back to “normal” now – whatever normal looks like for me, anyway. At the very least, I have no desire to drink right now. But I’ve gone through this more than once: the first week is quite easy, then the 7-10 day window is my “danger zone”, and if I can get through that I can usually go another week without too much trouble.
I’ve tried a variety of the usual “solutions” for recovering alcoholics: I’ve done detox, I’ve done rehab (inpatient and outpatient), I’ve done regular AA meetings — I even put myself into a mental hospital just a few weeks ago. My most recent counselor told me that the reason I haven’t quit for good is because I’m just not ready to yet – I haven’t suffered enough. I believe that any reasonably objective person who knew the details of my life would say differently, but I suppose it’s entirely possible that I have the potential for a lower bottom than many people.
But I also fully believe that another reason I’ve never fully quit is because I’m not able to admit to another person when I’m having a craving – a moment of weakness, if you will. I’ve had a number of people come forward in the last few days who have offered themselves as someone to reach out too in the future. So now it’s up to me to actually take that step, and let someone help me.